When I was in school I was pretty fit (no not in THAT way, although my slapped-back ponytail might want to disagree). I ran, swam , played netball and ONCE played hockey for the school, and until I was 16 I was quite good at sports and all that jazz. Around the same time, I was also getting quite good at drinking vodka in parks and sharing half a fag with Faye behind the girls gym - so it's fair to say that my fitness was dwindling. I then spent 3 years at uni, abusing my body in ways that won't (and shouldn't) be discussed on the internet, and by the time I graduated I struggled to run for 10 minutes without stopping.
So although yes, I have a history of running, I spent a fair few years destroying any type of talent and fitness I once had. Luckily I've managed to pull it all back (and then some? Maaaaybe?) and my very own riches-to-rags-to-riches fitness journey has taught me a few things along the way. I'd like to pass on some tips to anyone who, like me, wants to try dragging their ass around the streets/on the dreadmill but doesn't know where to start. Oooohhhh I feel like Jacky Chan in that kung fu film.
Anyway, for anyone who fancies lacing up their trainers, ruining their feet or getting very well-acquainted with a sports bra, here are my words of wisdom...
1. Get good shit
Before you can even THINK about going for a run, you need to feel like a true athlete. I've read SO many articles that say "you should RUN! Running is FREE! All you need is an old pair of trainers." NO NO NO. Get semi decent trainers, for god sake. This doesn't need to be expensive: Go into a posh running, ask them to find you your perfect trainers. Once perfect trainers are found, thank them and LEAVE THE SHOP. Remember those perfect trainers. Head straight home to GOOGLE THE SHIT OUT OF THEM. If you can't find many bargains, add 'similar to' to your search term. Sports Shoes, Sports Direct and Zalando are great websites. Also, treat yourself to one new item of running clothing. You will look and therefore feel fabulous when wearing your new purchase, and if you go for a run once then you can at least wear it to Tesco and call it 'athleisure'. It's fashion, darling. If your item of choice is a sports bra, remember that its sole aim is to flatten your boobs to an almost concave state - the sheer fact that you've paid for a pair of flat titties should be motivation enough. H&M, Matalan and TK Maxx are your new friends.
Everyone knows I bum running because it helped me lose a stone of uni/cheesy chips weight, but there are so many other (and better) reasons for wanting to go for a run. When I first started running again I kept my own, personal reason in my head and it helped to motivate me to keep trying. Some people like to run to de-stress after a busy working day, others need it to distract from other habits, some use running to wake themselves up in the morning while others may be on a mission to complete a 3/5/10km or maybe even a disgustingly long half marathon. But don't run to please other people - running is mainly horrendous and people who need to be pleased are annoying. DO IT FOR YOU. It makes life better.
3. Plan it
Running is one of those shitty things that is SO easy not to do. For this 'going for a run' thing to work,
it needs to be planned with military precision. If you get home from work and your shiny new athletic attire isn't within reaching distance, that run is just nottttt going to happen. I have a few suggestions:
- Tell everyone that you know that you plan on going for a run. Ask them to mock you if you do not bother
- Write it on the calendar/in a diary. When you do your run, you can tick it off. Ticking is so satisfying.
- Have your kit out ready, preferably with a note on it that says I AM GOING FOR A RUN.
- Choose an out-and-back route in as straight a line as possible. This way you can't 'worry about getting lost' and find yourself in bed at 7pm instead.
- Make sure you have adequate snacks ready for your return.
- Once your run is completed, eat aforementioned snacks and contact all friends and family to let them know that you're now an athlete.
4. Fuck the haters
Trust me when I say there is nothing more terrifying than the thought of being seen RUNNING by someone you went to school with. Oh god, the sheer horror of someone potentially recognising you through all that sweat and the steam that is rising from your body and HOW RIDICULOUS that you're trying to get fit and wow what a disgusting human being you've become. I have been in this position and the truth is that no one gives a shit. Really. Most people I've seen while I was out running have either: A. smiled and/or waved OR: B. said hi and carried on their day. Nope, no following group of villagers carrying pitchforks, no eggs being thrown from passing cars and no crazed laughter from a trio of witches. I was once called a fat slag while I was running, but that's a different story... Basically I know it's really hard to get over the thought that you should look your best at all times, but no one really cares about your exercise/sex face. They probably think 'oh fair play, maybe I'll go for a run soon' and then go back to their phones to carry out an extensive stalk of all your social media outlets.
5. Take it sloooow
I chase times constantly. How fast you can run a 5km is worn as a badge of honour in running circles but if you're new to running then IGNORE ALL BADGES OF HONOUR. Not only is there more to life than a bloody 5km PB, but it is also harder to try and think about speed when your main aim is to reach the end of the road without walking. It took me months and months to get any sort of speed back in my legs - I wanted to be able to run for 30 minutes without walking and THEN I started to think about how far I was actually going. If you need to walk for 10 seconds of every minute that you run then DO IT - just increase how many minutes you're out for with each run. After a few months you'll get to know your body and pain threshold and can start adding in an extra 5/10 minutes. Speed will come without you even noticing.
6. Remember the after, not the during
I am the first to admit that I find running bloody hard. Like, every step I take feels unnatural and I am in pain the entire time. 'BUT WHY', I hear you cry, 'DO YOU RUN SO MUCH?'. Well my friends, the reason I keep going back for some sweet run loving, is for the feeling I get afterwards. I feel more calm, my head is clearer, my body feels tighter (oioiiiii) and I feel like I've achieved something. If I could find that feeling in a bag of Dairy Milk buttons then trust me, I'd be living in one, but alas this is where I can all those happy feeeeeelz. The first few (and maybe all) runs will be HARD - but I bet you a fiver that you'll arrive back home in a better mood. Try and remember that good mood when you try to tell yourself that running is the devil and Eastenders is a much better option. Is Ian Beale still a tramp?
7. Feeeeeeel the music
My running life has been greatly enhanced by the genius that is Kanye West. His album 'My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy' houses all of my favourite running tracks, and when one comes on I feel like I'm about to undertake Mo Farah and slap his bold little pinhead at the same time. What a dreamy feeling. FIND YOUR KANYE. Whether you love Elton's 'Rocket Man' or the angelic tones of Bullet For My Valentine, the music you listen to on a run will help so much. You might not even notice it as you try not to collapse while wearing such a terribly uncool pair of trainers, but on the odd occasion that you CAN hear it, your favourite songs can be very comforting. Also, it beats hearing yourself sharting at mile 2.
8. JUST RUN.
The truest thing I've ever heard is that 'the hardest part is getting out the door'. IT IS SO TRUE. JUST RUN.
P.S. If you're out the door and still finding it reaaaaally fucking hard, then just CONCENTRATE ON REACHING THE NEXT LAMPPOST. Lampposts are your friends, like check-points on Crash Bandicoot. GOOD LUCK!!!
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