Confessions of an amateur athlete

The whole world has just watched in awe as the professional athletes and para-athletes of Great Britain did their thing at the Rio Olympics. We've seen interview after interview and found out how they prepared for the biggest moments of their entire lives...... But what about us? What do we, the amateur athletes, really think as we put our bodies through hell week in, week out, all the while knowing that we're never going to get interviewed by Gabby bloody Logan?

1. Hygiene is not the be-all and end-all
Those of us who are the proud owners of a pair of knockers will know the importance of a good sports bra. But what if you only own two or three good ones? What if you want to go for two runs in two days and THERE ARE NO CLEAN BRAS? I say, fuck it! Wear that sweaty sports bra two days in a row and revel in the stench as you take it off and realise that you've saved yourself at least 17p on washing tablets. Being thrifty is one of life's big skills, you know.
*the same also goes for hair-washing. HELLOOOO: I have bleached hair and if I wash it too much it will fall out - dry shampoo is the amateur lady athlete's friend and we will use it with pride.

2. We WILL wonder if people think we're training for the Olympics
This thought in particular often crosses my mind during hot days or holidays. If I'm rocking a crop top, sweating it out in 25+ degrees and foregoing an evening in a pub garden, then SURELY the entire British public will assume I'm some sort of professional and possibly in contention for an Olympic gold medal. These type of thoughts often end with me showing off on a main road and having to stop and walk to get the feeling in my legs back once I've got round the corner... #Tokyo2020

3. Personal grooming requires a strategic plan
I'm quite partial to a squirt or two fake tan, but how many squirts I use will depend entirely on how many clothes I'll be racing in. For example, a cross country race in the depths of winter will only require legs up to the thigh and possibly my arms (but probably not, because nobody cares about arms). In the height of summer I'll use half a bottle ensuring that all of my visible body parts are fully tea-stained but of course I won't bother with my feet, my chest or anything below the belly button (I love a high-waisted pair of shorts, oioiiiii). When it comes to shaving, I'll do my legs for a race but NEVER for winter training (I need all the warmth I can get) and if I'm wearing little panty shorts then I'll make a special appointment for my nether regions. But you didn't need to know that really....

4. We think terrible thoughts about our closest friends
Most amateur runners will have a training group, or at least a regular bunch of fellow athletes that they run with. These people are probably some of your best friends and you'll have shared many life moments and happy times with them over the years. BUT FUCK NOOOOO will they ever be overtaking you in a race!!! Friends are friends and all that, but when it comes to a 5k road race or a particularly brutal cross-country, you'll want to trip your team-mates up and drag them to the depths of hell for ever having the audacity to run past you on their own road to glory. All is back to normal after a post-race cake, but for those 20-odd minutes all loyalties go out the window. Soz not soz.

5. Race photos are never spontaneous 
You know the ones, those race photos that are weirdly sooooo perfect, the ones where the runner is smiling, waving or even (if your name is Lizzie Elton-Walters ;)) jumping for joy on the way to the finish line... Yeah they are never spontaneous. Runners can spot an official race photographer from approximately 2 miles out and will make damn sure that they are breathing in, flashing their teeth and hiding any signs of camel-toe before that camera man gets in close range. Or is that just me?

6. Long runs without shop windows are pretty much pointless
Trail running is all very well and good, but how do you check yourself in the throngs of nature? There's nothing like a local laundrette window to assist you in un-hunching your back, picking your knees up and actually using your arms. A lack of windows on a long run is basically setting yourself up to look really, really shit.

7. One word: feet
Pounding around the streets of Bristol has certainly had an ill-effect on my little hobbit feet, so I assume the same goes for the rest of the runners around the world. Being completely honest, I've given up on any time of maintenance - toe nails are left until they are cutting into the side of toes, heels are cracked beyond belief and I've sprained my ankle so many times that the bones in my feet stick out like little twigs. So, there's that.

8. 'I run because I love it'
NOW NOW NOW, this isn't teeeeechnically true, is it? Yes okay a lot of the time you do really love running and the thought of not having running in your life is a teeny bit scary, but let's be honest, sometimes you do it for the cake. Or the wine, or the bag of Haribo, or the new shoes that you're going to buy yourself if you run well. Or EVENNNN for that red bikini you bought to wear on holiday and if you don't run at all this week then you might never run again you'll develop a little muffin top. So maybe you love it, but maybe LOVE ISN'T ALWAYS ENOUGH.

And the last, very true, but very soppy confession of ALL amateur runners...
9. Sometimes you bloody hate it and sometimes it's really hard, but you never, ever regret it. YAY FOR RUNNING